damsel
Dear Diary,
Today I made an appointment with the Life Planning Department at Kaiser. I had been referred by my new neurologist after I mentioned my frequent suicidal thoughts that accompany my worst face attacks.
I appreciate this gesture. She was being realistic about this condition. It is not fatal or terminal as a condition in and of itself. It is fatal because it is so painful that a significant number of patients chose to kill themselves (most sites say around 26%). She wants to make sure my shit is in order in case “something happens”. Smart. Pragmatic. I like it. The fact that Kaiser has a department like this was not known to me, but I suppose a lot of people do know about it — terminal people. It’s like I’ve reached a new level of a video game: my primary care didn’t mention this department, I had to mention suicide to a specialist and voila, I unlocked a new level!
The fact that my primary and my neurologist did NOT mention the Psychiatric Department, a department covered by my insurance that doesn’t even need a referral, is BONKERS. Bonkers bonkers bonkers. It doesn’t take a medical genius to know that having a chronic illness can be depressing or to know that when a person is saying they are having suicidal thoughts they might need help with their thoughts. The idea that one’s mental health is not considered JUST AS IMPORTANT as one’s bodily health, as if they do not inhabit the same organism, is ludicrous and maddening. End rant.
Back to making this appointment. The nurse on the phone was very nice. The edge of her voice belied empathy and patience. She explained that they have Saturday appointments, they can have a nurse come to my home, my husband should be there. Oh wait what? I got off the phone and immediately burst into tears. I had been indignant at the absence of an offering for therapy, which I saw as a failure to see my condition as real and impactful, and now I was indignant that my condition was being treated as real and impactful. I felt that cognitive dissonance for a bit and then sorted it out: I am indignant that one route of acknowledging the reality of my condition was recommended to me and not the other and ultimately I am indignant about this fucking disorder. I don’t want to be playing this video game, I am not a damsel in distress.
PS - I made myself an appointment with a Psych intake nurse and we talk later today because, fuck suicide.
PPS - Just got off the phone, have an appointment for Friday morning. “Have your doctors told you about Kaiser’s Chronic Pain Program?” “No.” “Oh, well, I don’t know enough about it to set you on your way but you should ask them about it.” Eyeroll emoji. Mind blown emoji.