life planning

Dear Diary,

On Saturday we got a visit from a nurse from the Life Planning Dept. at Kaiser. As you’ll recall, I was referred to them by my neurologist, a referral that led to some consternation that only grew with my MRI results. The fact that the department sent someone to my house is really all you need to know: they deal with really really sick people. Me?! Me? Me. Me?

In the time between my referral and the appointment I have done a hell of a lot in terms of medical and mental health appointments, and some cocktail of meds, chiro, and acupuncture have reduced my symptoms to where I am no longer thinking of killing myself (yet). So when Michelle showed up in Fruitvale and knocked on my graffiti-tagged door I felt a bit self-conscious about it all. I hadn’t totally grasped what the appointment was for when it was first suggested to me - I think it was basically: if I try to kill myself and don’t totally succeed let’s have my shit in order. And here she was and I’m not even suicidal anymore!

First of all, she looked great. In her early fifties, she is a dapper butch lesbian covered in tattoos and sporting a bowtie. I mean, welcome Michelle. She was immediately warm and likable and I wish she was my friend. She is cut out for this line of work. At first the appointment had been for just me but when I asked if Matthew could do it too they obliged. I think normally you have to be terminally ill but the woman on the phone caved when I said that I thought this work is essential for everyone and why not do his along with mine since he was required to be there anyway? So Michelle sat down with Matthew and I and proceeded to ask us questions that every single person alive should be thinking about.

Being raised by a Quaker-Buddhist who regularly emphasizes the idea that “everything is temporary” definitely for sure enabled me to enter this conversation happily and readily. Being a philosophy major nihilist who is not totally in love with being alive definitely for sure enabled Matthew to glide right into this conversation. Both of us talk about the future A LOT, and we plan for the eventuality of our deaths maybe more than most Americans? Definitely more than most Americans. I mean, I personally think it’s the greatest gift you can give your loved ones upon your passing. Just don’t make any part of it harder than it needs to be, you know?

We answered questions about our past health issues, our current ones, any ways in which we’ve been a part of the end of a life in our families, and then got on to questions about the future. She dug into specifics of our preferences should we have dementia but are physically well, are mentally fit but physically ailing, are injured in an accident. She stayed for an hour. I saw her Red Sox tattoo through her pink button up and we talked about Massachusetts. I wished she would stay longer.

I won’t get into what Matthew and I said in our interviews that much but I will reveal: we are ready to go when it’s time. And more than anything I can imagine about my death I am most fearful of being a burden to Zane: financially, physically, and otherwise. I don’t want to leave a ton of physical objects and ephemera he has to sift through, I don’t want him to undergo the mental and emotional stress of having a mother who doesn’t recognize him, I don’t want him to have to lift me out of bed and help me in the bathroom, I don’t want him to have to spend one dime on my care should I need it. So that is a part of my goal while I am alive.

If you haven’t read Actual Gawande’s Being Mortal get thee to a bookstore! Or start here. And if you don’t know his work, here are all his amazeballs articles in one convenient location.

Love you, mean it.

xoS