psych
Dear Diary,
(The SPG block I tried yesterday didn’t work)
I’m going to be straight and blunt with you: I think about killing myself everyday. Every day I will have an attack that goes beyond incredibly painful and it simply becomes untenable to live. In those attacks I become physically paralyzed, like a stone version of myself, and tears stream out of my face. I couldn’t talk if I tried; I can barely breath. If you saw me you wouldn’t necessarily think that I was in a ton of pain. We associate extreme pain with lots of screaming and rocking back and forth and moaning; most of us have done those things at some point in our lives, and we’ve seen plenty of scenes on TV depicting this kind of explosive outbound energy. But this pain is so severe that it acts as a black hole. All my physical energy is sucked into this black hole and along with it every single reason I have for living except for my son, Zane.
I think about how I would do it in graphic detail, because I am a perfectionist and I wouldn’t want to not practice the steps in my mind, and I wouldn’t want to get it wrong and remain alive. I try to maintain a mantra of “This will end” to run along side the unconquerable thought “I should die.” I try.
So there are suicidal thoughts when I’m in pain and then there are the (different) ones when I’m not. Like this morning, I was meeting a wonderful LCSW about my psychiatric care options and 1/2 an hour into the appointment I thought, “Why are we doing this, pouring so much energy into saving me? This is all so burdensome, for everyone in my life, it would be better if I weren’t alive.” Now, I was there because I DO NOT WANT TO DIE. Two weeks ago I was euphoric, ecstatic, excited, and basically permanently high because my life is so great. I mean, my kid is awesome and no longer lives in my house, my husband is truly my best friend and we can get through anything together, my housing is secure and amazeballs, my cat is the handsomest cat that ever lived, my clients can’t wait to work with me again, and it is 72 degrees most days. I mean, nothing to complain about. I know I want to live. And yet.
So I was there, having got myself there without the suggestion from my medical doctors, because having had this condition for 11 years I know what’s coming. I can feel it coming already. Depression is creeping in and asking me to stay in my pajamas all day. And I don’t want to. I really fucking don’t want to. I want to live and I want to LIVE, like the euphoric, ecstatic, excited kind of living I was doing two weeks ago. I don’t even remember that person. There is only this and only now.
I had Googled the LCSWorker beforehand because her bio wasn’t available on Kaiser and all I learned was that her husband died a year ago of a rare cancer and that she has two teenagers. Oops. So I went in feeling tender about her. She was really great, very caring, straight to the point about what she needed from me in order to figure out what care she could offer me while giving me space to talk and cry. We decided I need:
a therapist and none are available until Dec. 2. Like most things Kaiser: how wonderful that so many services are available! How infuriating that most of them aren’t available when you need them to be! I could go out of network, and I might.
a psychiatrist because while an anti-depressant isn’t going to work during the worst attacks it could help in the in-between times when I’m feeling like a burden, and I had a successful experience on Prozac in the past.
to join the 8 week long Wellness and Meditation class that is specifically for chronic pain sufferers.
to join a chronic pain support group where I might meet other TN peeps
The most remarkable thing about the visit is how SEEN I felt, unlike with my medical doctors. Man, I wish Western Medicine could get its shit together and give doctors what they need to consider a person’s WHOLE being. I left feeling validated and reassured and good about myself. I’m being very proactive on the outset and kudos for me. As a bonus, the Psych Dept. is in a Julia Morgan designed building, easily the best looking building in the dozens of Kaiser buildings that dot Oakland.
Thanks Julia Morgan!
Amazingly I was in no pain when I left so I decided to go to Urban Ore because I pretty much want to go to Urban Ore every day. I have decided that anything that releases endorphins is good for me and thrift shopping definitely qualifies. As do pedicures and new puzzles, both of which I also indulged in. I am always worried about going out into public though. I once had an attack in a grocery store and it was all I could do to get out the front doors. I sat on a curb in front of the store and frozen like a sobbing statue. People didn’t know what to do and I couldn’t tell them. I’ve thought about having cards printed up that say, “I have a nerve condition and am experiencing a flare up. I know it is scary to see a person in pain and crying in public but I will be okay. I just need to sit here and let it end. Thank you for your concern.” Maybe I will do that.
So to reiterate: I am not suicidal but I do think about killing myself. I feel like there is a major difference between the two and I’m doing everything in my power to keep them different. I shared everything with Matthew tonight and we agreed that I should not die ;)
Love you, mean it.
xoS