drugs

Dear Diary,

Sorry I didn’t write yesterday. I upped my Baclofen (I’m up to 50mg now; I can only go to 60) and in a desperate magical thinking kind of way I added Gabapentin. It only took me 2 weeks of this pain to cave into Gaba. I HATED it last summer. I swore it off. I wrote my future self a letter for the next time my TN came, telling myself to not give in and take it. But two nights ago I was mid-attack and even though Gaba wouldn’t have helped with it (it takes an hour to kick in) my brain was like, “You’ve never taken Gaba with Baclo , what if that’s the magic combo? You won’t know until you try it.” So I did. And I spent yesterday in a fog. I can’t say if it helped the pain, but any kind of mind-alteration is welcome, for the most part.

Today I am still in a fog but fighting it. Because it’s the weekend and because Matthew and I don’t really see each other Mon-Fri I wanted to do something normal with him so we agreed to drive to our old neighborhood on Lake Merritt and do some writing at Room 389, our favorite spot in Oakland. I drove, as I normally do, and as we got close an attack attacked. I was able to get us to a parking spot but couldn’t leave the car. I told him to go in and that I would join him when I could. I thought it might be a half and hour. It was over an hour. I just sat there in my car, trying to distract myself on my phone (NYT’s Spelling Bee puzzle is the best for this), and feeling grateful that I have no responsibilities. I can just sit in my car for an hour if I have to. This is a privilege that very few chronic pain sufferers have and I don’t take it for granted at all.

After an attack I’m always exhausted, even though I haven’t expended any physical energy. And I’m on drugs, so I don’t have anything smart to say right now.

I’m going to start writing a FAQ page so if you have any leave them here or write me at sarah at smallvictoriesdesign dot com.